Secret Driving Courses—A Guide to Native Motor Vehicle Operators

It is illegal to use cruise control in South Carolina.

To what other conclusion can one come? It is indeed the explanation that makes sense to me after road tripping the 1,000-mile roundtrip from my old home in West Virginia to my new one in the Upstate several times over the past few weeks.

Still, if I’ve learned to live with Ohio drivers (West Virginians are nodding their heads) I suppose I can handle the random Carolinian who decides, from one moment to the next, to go from 75 MPH in the slow lane to 60 in the fast lane…then back again.

I drive a lot, and over long distances. Indeed, I’ve driven in more than 3/4 of the states in this grand Union of ours, and during that time I’ve come up with a theory: Each state has its own secret classes, offered only (with few exceptions) to its citizens. These courses instill driving proclivities that cause temporary madness in anyone from another state.

A sample:

Ohio

Lane Selection 101—Introduction to Driving Slowly in the Passing Lane

Students will learn, through a study of concepts and through practical application, the importance and appreciation of finding the passing lane as quickly as possible; placing one’s car in the passing lane; and remaining there for the duration of one’s travel. Additional concepts are also taught, including how to resist any and all pressure from other motorists to leave the passing lane regardless of how fast one is traveling (preferably slowly), or the buildup of traffic behind oneself. This class is a prerequisite to “Traffic Light Negotiation 101—Introduction to Running Red Lights.” (Note: TLN 101 offered only in Columbus.)

West Virginia

Interstate Entrances and Exits 224—Advanced Merging Techniques

Students will study various methods of merging with oncoming traffic, with an emphasis on suddenly braking, without warning, when attempting to access interstate freeways regardless of the presence or absence of any traffic with which to merge. Under no circumstances should students display courage in identifying gaps in traffic; rather, cowardly displays of merging, including but not limited to holding up all other motorists attempting to access interstate freeways, will be emphasized. Please note that this class should be taken only after students have passed their “Tailgating Coal Trucks” practical examination. Some exceptions apply.

Florida

Aggressive Driving 111—A Guide to Speed Limit Negotiation

The Florida motor vehicle operator, unique in his or her ability to test the limits of their car’s maximum speed, needs constant training to hone his or her abilities. Therefore, Aggressive Driving 111 is designed to foster in students an understanding and deep appreciation for rapid travel. While this course is primarily theoretical, students must also sign up for an additional laboratory class, to run concurrently with AGD 111. This is a practical lab, with motor vehicle operators practicing on Interstates 10 and 75. A final written exam is mandatory, preceding a practical exam conducted along the length of Interstate 95. Bonus points are awarded to the student who successfully terrorizes out-of-state families on vacation. Georgia drivers are eligible for AGD 111 through a special partnership program established between the two states.

I’m still fleshing this theory out; it’s a work-in-progress. I’ve failed to mention the class given to drivers from Pennsylvania, New Jersey and New York, likely having to do with conversation with other drivers from the safety of one's own vehicle (emphasizing the proper use of insults and curse words, and the ways, means and utility of each); one offered to drivers from Indiana, Arkansas, Missouri and the Plains States on how to overcome boredom behind the wheel without the use of stimulants; or those in specific areas like Washington, D.C. and Baltimore County on sharing the road with taxi drivers—or at least how to get out of the way.